Watermarks Examining Interrelationship Expectations and Tensions by Stephen A. Mosca

The poem "To Have without Holding," by Marge Piercy, is about the speaker trying to reconcile the conflict between her preconceived notion of a personal relationship with present reality. Her partner, whom she must feel worth the pain and effort, apparently has a more liberal and open approach, which causes her to feel insecure. The poem expresses, using metaphor, simile, and symbolism, the speaker's discomfort at a point in time in this emotionally unbalanced relationship. She defines, explains, and personalizes her place in the relationship from a unique and unsettling perspective, while providing a reminder that preconceived notions must eventually be evaluated against one's growing library of empirical evidence obtained, often painfully, via real life experience.

She defines her idea of what is right in a relationship by describing how hard and painful it is for her to stray from that ideal in this instance. As the poem evolves, one can begin to see the author having a conflict with values, while simultaneously expressing which values are hers and which are unnatural to her. She accomplishes this accounting of values by personalizing her position in a somewhat unsettling way throughout the poem.

I was first drawn to the poem by the title. The interesting use of capitalization caught my attention. Why wasn't the letter 'w' in the word "without" capitalized? Upon reading the poem initially, I got an overall impression of being made to feel "uncomfortable," though quite unsure as to why. I had the same impression once I felt I understood the whole poem, but from a completely different perspective. That sort of clarity at differing resolutions is impressive in that it allows the impact of her words to be felt by the casual as well as the analytical reader. This poem is written in a contemporary style and depicts a conflict, or dialogue thereof, that would most likely only be articulated in modern times. We assume the speaker is a woman, and we find later and somewhat ironically that, indeed, she is.

The poem initially confronts the reader with a statement about love. It is oblique in that we may not know even what "learning to love differently" means exactly, let alone agree that it is "hard" (1). The line goes on to define "different" in a dynamic, dramatic series of metaphors. Complete trust and faith, or freedom from confinement, is symbolized by the image of "hands wide open" (2); a certain reckless abandon is added with "doors banging on their hinges / the cupboard unlocked." Reckless abandon gives way to a freedom that tampers with order itself as "the wind roaring [...] in the rooms, rustling the sheets and snapping the blinds" illustrates that she may feel this situation getting out of control to some degree. To remove all doubt as to where this trend is leading, the final analogy of the stanza is that of the rubber band that thwacks into an open palm, representing her fear that her trust will be violated and she will be hurt. This wayward wind will eventually create the conditions that she fears will harm her. From this point on we're only going to go deeper into pain, mistrust, and other dark elements as she further explores this idea of loving differently.

Another statement is made, this one about "hurt," and the poet relates it to the earlier definition given above. The author uses metaphor to compare human tissue, or muscle, our biological self, to something as inanimate, thick, stiff, and viscous as "wet plaster" (11), implying a dull friction and great effort. This metaphor later progresses to a feeling of "blunt knives, then / of sharp knives" (12-13). I was surprised here, for my mind kept wanting to substitute the word "steel" for knives in the last line of the 2nd stanza, for aesthetic reasons. I reason the author didn't because the emphasis here is on knives, which are sharp and cutting. Sharp steel being not good enough, she prefers to make sure we know that sharp steel is a knife by definition, with all its attendant symbolism. The author here is telling us that her every effort to adapt is causing additional and worsening versions of her pain, transitioning from a chronic to an acute type of discomfort.

The third stanza goes on to define the pain, only now in more emotional terms, such as "It hurts to thwart the reflexes / of grab, of clutch" (14-15), as well as the pain of continuously having to say good bye, each perhaps as if for the last time: "to love and let / go again and again" (15-16). These lines reinforce the impression that the first stanza's definition of "to love differently" is in fact an anti-freedom or state of emotional anarchy, now using words like "pester" to describe any separation; the poet is compelled "to remember / the lover who is not in the bed" (16), hinting at obsessive tendencies as being possible components of the relationship. We also learn that she believes love requires work, which she cannot do without her partner's assistance, and that this lack of cooperation frustrates her. She believes this neglected effort is the other party's fault by his failure to do his fair share, thereby leaving her own efforts ineffective, the whole of it characterized as an effort "that gutters like a candle in a cave / without air" (19-20). Her demands of this work are quite broad, encompassing being "conscious, conscientious and concrete" in her efforts and optimistically calling this work "constructive" (20-21) before ending the stanza.

Next we begin to see the other side of this coin in the guise of an echoed protest by presumably the other party. It indicates that her preferred definition of love may not only be what this woman desires and/or practices, but demands as well. Apparently, the other party thrives in this unkempt version of a relationship. Comments ensue, brightly describing the other party as being able to "glow / on the street like a neon raspberry, / you float and sail, a helium balloon" (23-25), in spite of her concerns for what she considers a "different" love from that which she desires, believes is correct, and believes she offers.

She describes the other person's weight of the relationship as merely "bobbing / on the cold and hot winds of our breath" (26-27) and yielding easily between them as they share the same rhythmic extremes of their love. The reference to "diastole and systole" (28) is a metaphor for the affairs of the heart. Here may lie their only common point other then mutual discomfort over the expectations of the other.

She examines how they are "having" despite this disagreement of what a relationship entails. Is love honest and free as the other maintains, or does it require strict rules and effort to remain painless, as she seems to feel? What each claims to want could ruin the relationship for the other party, it would seem, and only the speaker seems willing to try it any other way. They are only together when in fact they're physically together, and this ephemeral situation makes her insecure and uncomfortable. Somehow in the end she reconciles this stateless, moment-to-moment relationship, their "unbound bonding" (29), as something to be continuously managed between their two definitions. They are each "to love with minimized malice, hunger / and anger moment by moment balanced" (30-33). This is presumably on her part mainly, as the other party seems unconcerned with all these emotional gymnastics. It seems she is making the compensations for now, though she openly questions the wisdom of this arrangement for the future.

This poem has captured a moment in time of a dynamic, tentative, and uncomfortable relationship as it is evolving. The author, having shared her thoughts, concerns, and opinion of the other party's unchanging definition of the relationship, must surely have gone on to somehow reconcile the situation to her own satisfaction. She relishes the work entailed in changing either of them, perhaps.

Hence, the small "w" in the title. Its absence serves as a prominence to indicate that the point of this poem is about being uncomfortable with the "Having" of a physical relationship without the mutual desire for commitment and security, the moral authority to "Hold" that she craves.

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