By Crystal Saccomanno
The basis for a personality comes from life and everything that is around it. We become what a mixture of society and preference makes us to be. We grow with the people around us. We learn from things we see. What we enjoy and what we dislike are due to direct influences made on our lives. Therefore, it is nearly impossible to have ideas or morals that are steadfast and never changing. There are many sides to a personality. Not necessarily dramatic in difference, these sides make it possible for us to contrast who we think we are with what others may think we are. I, for example, am very giving, but at other times I am quite selfish.All my life giving has been a large part of who I am. I like to think of myself as being magnanimous and nobly generous, not petty in feelings or conduct. Birthdays and Christmas are always highlights of my year. I love the suspense of buying a present for someone and then seeing the reaction to the gift. I've come across the occasional "This is nice" from tactful friends, and the scanty, unsure smiles from family members when a gift is unwrapped. I have also been hugged, kissed, and nearly knocked down by ecstatic receivers of my giving nature.
There is nothing like the feeling of going shopping with someone else in mind. The variety of gifts that I can bestow is sensational. I cannot help grabbing everything in sight that reminds me of the person for whom I am shopping. Eventually, I have to sort through my collection of interests and choose only what is best to give. Last year I made the mistake of getting a checkbook a month before Christmas. Even though I spent my money well, meaning I watched the prices of what I bought, I still spent much more than I should have. I couldn't stop. The Christmas spirit followed me into every store and taunted me until I bought more than what I needed. I gave a lot that Christmas. I gave to everyone. I became proud of who I was. I was happy with knowing that I was a good person. I had bought for others and I hadn't even thought of myself during the Christmas holiday. This realization gave me a sense of identity, a sense of who I was.
Having already clarified my values, I feel it is safe to say that I am sincere in my pursuit for other's delight; however, there is another side of me that I am ashamed to say exists. I love to get. As rewarding as giving may be, getting has a special edge to it. I don't really believe, because I like to receive things, that I am a horribly material person with distorted morals. This slight flaw in my character only helps to make me human.
I love to be on the other side when Christmas and my birthday roll around. It's nearly addicting when I get new "things." I simply can't stop thinking about them. I am an expsensive date, an expensive daughter, and an expensive friend; I am a material girl. I don't force others to buy me things. I simply have learned the art of hinting. When I take my boyfriend to the mall, I'm not going simply to have good company, I'm intending to let him know what I like. When those momentous, benevolent holidays roll around, it's always nice to know I'll receive what I want.
During my freshman year in college, I had a roommate who had the same birthday as mine. While I told everyone that I wanted money, clothes, and CDs, she told them she wanted a donation made to a children's hospital under her name. Upon hearing her request I was hit sharply by guilt. It wasn't that I had never thought of donating, because I had, many times. The only difference was that I never followed through with it and really never intended to. Something always popped into my own "needy" life, and the money that was going to a charitable event found its way into the palm of a nosy salesperson at the mall.
Maybe knowing who I am and what I am helps me to understand people better. I can tell the difference between a taker and a giver. I can tell who is a little of both, or even someone who doesn't care either way. The people who fascinate me are the ones who only want to give. Nuns, for example, give their whole lives away rather than simply a package wrapped with "Happy Birthday" paper and a red bow. I have to ask myself why they are who they are. I wonder if they are truly happy with the lives they are leading. Foolish people, I sometimes call them, but I can't help admiring their generosity. They have my respect. I admire their ability to care so much for other people.
For every person who can identify with me, there are at least twice as many hypocrites who will criticize my every word. These are the same people who, like me, love Christmas for more than just the pure spirit of buying for others. They too love the moment of anticipation when the Christmas tree lights up the family room on Christmas morning. They love the sight of presents cascading from underneath the green pine. They love their birthdays. Not because age gives them freedom, but because of the thick slices of cake that they get once the candles are blown out and the wish is made.
The capacity for caring is the same in each of us. We all choose the extent to which we wish to carry it. I want everyone to be happy, and I wish that everybody could have what I am lucky enough to have. I am not immoral. I am not even remotely a bad person. I just have desires.
Desires can make people stronger by forcing them to take hold of their lives and focus on what is really important to them. Desires can bring people down by reminding them of the things in the world that they can't have. Desires can destroy people by diminishing everybody else's needs and making their own goals seem most important. I don't fit into any specific category; nobody really does. I have qualities from each group, and the slight mixture of my personality makes me normal. Some people may say that it is impossible to have two contrasting personalities. Life has shown that influence is everything. The way that we sees ourselves can vary from day to day, hour to hour, even minute to minute. I see myself as being selfish and generous. Contradictions in people are so extravagantly common that I am safe in saying that contradiction makes a personality.
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Established: April 4 2000
Copyright © 2000, 2000 Crystal M. Saccomanno